5 Months

Dear Dad,

This picture was taken 30 years ago and its been exactly 5 months since i woke up and my life changed forever. I still haven't listened to the voicemail from the hospice nurse who called in the middle of the night. Some part of me thinks that keeps it from happening. That maybe if i wait long enough you'll call me instead. There's some glitch in my phone so when Sherry calls it comes up as "Dad Cellphone" on my caller ID. I always want to answer and say "where are you?" Strange how we hold on to these little reminders. These little tatters of you.

Recently Sherry told me of how she wrote ways she knew you loved her. I thought that was a great writing prompt. You did have a difficulty saying those actual words but you definitely were of the "actions speak louder" camp. I knew you loved me because you waited every day at the bus stop in the morning and afternoon for me to walk home, even after you had both knees replaced. I knew you loved me because you worried that there wouldn't be enough time in the morning to make lunch so you made it the night before. Naturally you then worried that the jelly on the pb&j would soak into the bread causing a terrible paste like substance to form overnight, ruining the sandwich entirely by the time i got to it. As a scientist you did what came naturally and solved the problem by adding a protective layer to the bread. Weather proofing you called it. Mayo or butter were your preferred protective substances. True they did protect the bread but i definitely threw out many pbj&MAYO sandwiches in middle school. I knew you loved me when we went to England together woven though you detested traveling and would have been much happier watching a documentary or reading an article in national geographic than ever going on a trip. I knew you loved me when you made over 100 paper airplanes so i could win the paper airplane war with the neighbors, even taping and weighing down the points to make them faster and more accurate/damaging. I knew you loved me when you read to me every night even after i learned to read and quickly finished the entire first harry potter book but you still read a chapter each night. You also had solved all the encyclopedia brown mysteries before you finished reading them to me but didn't spoil the ending. I knew you loved me when you stayed up all night baking pie so it would be ready to have for breakfast. I knew you loved me when you would type cheat codes in while i played Warcraft and was still very slow at typing and desperately needed extra gold. I knew you loved me when i came out and you hugged me and said it was okay. I knew you loved me when you let me watch land before time every day and dance to carmen singing and annoying the neighbors. I knew tou loved me with every impart of knowledge or clever trick. With each skill passed on or random fact. I knew you loved me every time you fixed something i had broken, especially if that something was me. You made your home safe when i wasn't safe. You were calm when i was hysterical. You were peaceful when i was shattered. You nurtured my passions and healed my flaws. You encouraged my curiosity and gave me wings and the power to grow. I always knew you loved me because you told me with everything you did. I am so lucky. I miss you more than ever but i got to have you for 30 years and that is a wonderful gift that i hope i use well.

I love you